


I Think About You

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-27
Updated: 2006-03-27
Packaged: 2019-02-02 07:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12722337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: The return of his final missing memory has started Daniel thinking and he's not sure he can stop.





	I Think About You

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

~~I ought to be working  
But I can't concentrate~~

Daniel was in his office, he'd been there a long time and he knew it was late. Exactly how late he wasn't sure, he hadn't heard much activity in the last few hours, no klaxons echoing through the hollow corridors, no heavy booted feet passing by his door so it was relatively safe to assume it was still night. He should probably be at home asleep in his bed, where he should have been last night and the one before that. Daniel was surprised and a little disturbed to realise he had no idea how long he had been in his office. He tried to convince himself that he had left from time to time but trips to the locker room and coffee breaks could barely be described as leaving. He really had been in his office for days.

When this realisation remained at the forefront of Daniel's chaotic and complex thoughts, he ruthlessly suppressed the one that followed. The one that would remind him he'd spent years in his office, that most of his life had actually been spent in an office just like this one.

~~I ought to be sleeping  
Instead of staying up late~~ 

Daniel assured himself that it wasn't true; he wasn't some academic recluse that never saw the light of day. He not only saw the sun, sometimes he saw it from other worlds. His life was so far beyond the ordinary persons comprehension that words just didn't do it justice. From a celebrated linguist of over 20 languages this was a powerful accolade. Yet here he was sitting in apparent darkness, wondering why it felt like these bleak grey concrete walls were the extent of his life. How ironic that a child born into exotic sunshine and the hot expanse of the desert, an adult who had spent his time exploring and excavating the same arid land should find the most important part of his life in these drab grey corridors in the dark heart of a mountain. 

Sometimes it was hard to remember what life had been like before he'd accepted a plane ticket and taken an elevator ride down to find his future. He thought back to the day Catherine had offered him the opportunity, laughed at and humiliated standing in the rain without hope of redemption his options were limited. He'd taken the chance to come here hoping only for a livelihood, instead he'd found a life. Not an easy life, a life where risks were varied and deadly, a life where possibilities were almost outweighed by disappointments, where happiness was balanced precariously with despair and all experiences and emotions were magnified by the awe inspiring wonder that was the Stargate.

The Stargate, that's where everything started. The life he had both lived and died through for the past seven years was the direct result of walking through the event horizon that first time. Seven years that felt like a lifetime, in some ways had been more than a lifetime. His memories had returned piece-by-piece uncovering his past experiences by slow and painful degrees. These remembrances were accompanied by emotions that ranged from guilt and grief to sadness and horror with only rare and precious instances of happiness. It occurred to Daniel that most of his happy memories included Jack.

~~When I ought to be doing all the things I should do  
I think about you~~ 

Daniel had thought his memory was complete and had sunk into the cosy familiarity of his old life here on earth, barely giving thought to the fact that he'd ever been anywhere else. In a moment of revelation a few days previously Daniel had gained his final memory, totally unprepared for the sudden wave of feelings and love that overwhelmed him. He lost himself in the maelstrom of his emotions struggling just to breathe as the memory of his love not only returned in an abstract way but also physically assaulted his body. 

Every nerve and fibre of his being screamed as the force of his want coursed through his very being. His eyes widened and darkened as images of a lean body and sleek skin teased him. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as the scent of aftershave, masculinity and something totally unique assailed his senses. He found himself shivering as a voice that carried both laughter and tears echoed through his mind. His legs threatened to betray him completely as he remembered the touch of gentle hands against his cheek, strong arms wrapped around him in relief and elation, the feel of that powerful body surrounding him and holding him together while he fought his way free of a painful addiction. 

In the space of a few cataclysmic seconds Daniels view of his world had shifted. Although still well aware of the importance of the Stargate and the necessity of the continued fight against the Goa'uld, he had realised there was another truth. There was something far more important to him than the Stargate, there was Jack. He was in love with Jack. He loved him with a physical intensity that Daniel had never before experienced. 

~~I ought to be writing  
But I can't find the song~~ 

That little world shattering event had been days ago and was the reason Daniel was occupying his office with such unrelenting commitment. Daniel really wasn't counting the Pre-Mesopotamian writings from P3X 615 that he was supposed to be translating for SG2 as anything other than a convenient smokescreen. General Hammond had said it wasn't urgent, which was just as well because right at this moment Daniel was incapable of enough coherent thought to translate his own name, he'd managed to translate Jack into 21 languages and 3 pictographs so far though. Daniel shook his head chastising himself for his inability to get past this, he'd been in love with Jack for years and had obviously managed to face him and function normally.

He supposed having the time to get used to it made all the difference as opposed to having it hit you with all the force of a speeding freight train. He'd retreated to the sanctuary and dubious safety of his office, hoping that by the time Jack returned from his 4 days downtime he would have gotten used to the feelings. He was forced to admit that it hadn't made any difference at all, the feelings still overwhelmed him totally. Every time he tried to focus on something else his mind would invariably drift back to Jack and each and every time his body would react like it was on fire. Day and night, awake or sleeping Daniel was haunted by thoughts of Jack.

~~I'm just sitting here drifting,  
Drifting along~~ 

He remembered all the reasons he loved Jack, the times Jack had been there for him, all the things they had survived together. From that very first mission to Abydos there had been a connection binding them to each other. At first Daniel had paid no attention to the airforce officer that he was accompanying, too wrapped up in the initial excitement and wonder of stepping through the Stargate. On the other side of the universe they had discovered a new world and they had also discovered each other. Daniel had known that the soldiers regarded him as a useless geek, he'd proved them right when he had to admit he couldn't get them home.

Jack had been distant but Daniel had seen the desolation in those dark eyes and recognised the soul destroying pain and suffering that he was barely managing to contain. Daniel had seen the need for death in Jack and he had spoken from his heart to persuade the man to live and to help these people live. In the fight to overthrow Ra, Daniel had instinctively risked his life to save Jack from a weapon blast, the look of disbelief and pleasure he saw in Jacks eyes as he reappeared alive and well made it worthwhile. They had worked together then to save a world and in a moments silent communication Daniel felt an instinctive understanding that he'd never shared with anyone else. When the time came to return to earth Daniel noticed some life had returned to Jacks eyes, he allowed himself to think he was at least partly responsible for putting it there. He saw it flicker slightly when he announced that he was staying on Abydos and it occurred to Daniel that maybe there was at least one person on earth who would notice he was gone.

Jack had accepted his choice with the same instinctive understanding they had shared previously. It wasn't until much later Daniel would realise that was the first time Jack had stepped over the military line for him, although it certainly wasn't the last. Jack had come home and lied to his superiors about Daniel, risking disciplinary procedures or even court martial if they found out. The truth had come out in the end thanks to a thwarted invasion of the SGC by Apophis, in order to stop Abydos being destroyed by a bomb Jack had to reveal Daniels existence and the truth about the mission. An impromptu message in the shape of a tissue box had brought them back together. The arrival of the box closely followed by Jack had thrown Daniels new life into chaos, ending with the capture of his friends and his wife and his own inglorious return to Earth.

~~There's only one thing that I want to do  
And that's think about you~~ 

Daniel thought about his life after Jack had left him on Abydos. He had been married to Share before he had even known it had happened but when faced with the empty life he had left on earth Daniel had decided that any possible happiness he might find was worth staying for. The thought of being able to study the wonderful people and artefacts on this worlds filled him with an excitement and enthusiasm that soon endeared him to his adopted people. Daniel was not a believer in love at first sight but Share was a strong beautiful woman and he truly believed he could come to love her.

As he spent more and more time trying to decipher the mysteries contained on the stone walls around him he felt more and more unsettled. As much as he loved the people and his love for Share had grown there was still vast differences, he still felt like the outsider he'd been for most of his life. The day he managed to defeat the puzzle and an entire universe of possibilities opened up to him was the day he realised he would always want more. He had come to love Share but knew he would always miss the thrill of discovery and the excitement of exploring new places. He had spent his whole life moving around constantly and sometimes he wondered if he was even capable of being able to find contentment in one place. After losing Share to Apophis Daniel had returned to earth with feelings of failure and guilt. 

Daniel remembered standing in the corridors of the SGC feeling numb and disorientated. When Jack had questioned him, Daniel answered that no one knew what to do with him and he didn't know either. Jack had known exactly what to do with him, he'd taken Daniel to his home, let him drink his beer and let him talk. Daniel had spoken of Share but he'd kept his dark failures to himself not wanting Jack to know how weak and selfish he really was. He didn't want to admit that he had been unable to find contentment in the peaceful familiarity, that the love he felt for Share had barely had time to begin before she had been stolen or that he had been unable to even keep her safe. As they shared words of separation and pain Daniel thought much more was said than had been spoken and that maybe Jack already knew those things. Jack didn't turn away from him instead he promised they would find Share and bring her home. Jack gave a lot more than a promise; he made space in his life for Daniel, fighting to get him on SG1, giving him a place to stay and most importantly becoming his friend.

~~I think about you  
And I can't get any rest~~ 

From the day they had returned from Abydos their relationship had grown steadily, the instinctual bond that had developed between them on the first mission strengthened daily. Seemingly incompatible the two men found that they complimented each other and gained a balance from their friendship. Daniel had never had a friend like Jack; in more melancholy moments he concluded he'd never really had many real friends at all. He'd moved around so much, even when he was older he'd never settled in one place and he'd always put so much of himself into his studies. He made friends easily, and most people seemed to like him but there had never really been anyone he'd wanted to let too far inside his inner defences. It seemed to Daniel that Jack had just strolled straight through to the centre of his being with absolutely no difficulty at all, Daniel had to admit where Jack was concerned his defences were nonexistent. Daniel had slowly learned to be comfortable with their friendship, Jack soon becoming the most important person in his life. Over time there had been a subtle transition from something wanted too something needed.

~~I think about you  
There isn't anyone else~~ 

Death had always been a constant presence in Daniels life from both studying the lives of those long dead and from the tragic events he had personally lived through. He was used to people dying, especially those he loved, but no one had ever died for him. Not until the team had found themselves stranded on another planet in a crumbling edifice facing a rapid plunge into the sea. Daniel had been hypnotised and blinded by a glimpse of his own personal holy grail, and Jack had been willing to do exactly that. He stared into those desperate brown eyes pleading and promising at the same time, pleading with him to see sense and leave, promising to die with him if he wouldn't. 

Daniel thought that had perhaps been the exact moment he had fallen for his friend. In a room that had promised the truths and secrets of the universe he had found his own truth. He loved this man he called friend, loved him in a way that he was sure would never be returned but Daniel was loved and that was more than he had ever dared to wish for. 

~~It's all I can do  
I can't help myself~~ 

Daniel had never known the power a simple touch could have, it wasn't something he had much experience of, he'd grown up without family and the lovers he'd had as an adult while obviously physical were lacking a deeper intimacy. Jack had provided this intimacy right from the start with nothing more than a casual touch to his arm or a hand on his shoulder. Jack touched easily and that made it easy for Daniel to accept his touches instead of shying away from the contact as he did with anyone else. Daniel was a linguist and he soon recognised that Jacks personal language was tactile, whole sentences could be spoken with the barest of touches. Emotions that would never be spoken aloud could be safely revealed in the familiar manner of a hug. Daniel had learned to accept that he craved those touches, that he needed something he had never known was lacking. Every single ruffle of his hair or arm around his shoulders was a gift to be treasured but some touches were so much more, standing out from the rest like gold amongst silver. 

One of those touches had saved Daniels life, on Apophis's ship dying from a blast wound he had called for Jack. The pain he had seen in his friend's expressive eyes had shocked him and the simplest touch against his cheek had been a revelation. Daniel still wasn't used to having anyone in his life that truly cared for him and he really wasn't sure he deserved the love and friendship of this man whom he loved with everything he was. Denying himself the comfort of having Jack close to him, Daniel had urged him to go on with the mission knowing that if Jack had stayed he would realise everything Daniel felt for him.

After Jack had reluctantly left Daniel had drawn on the love he'd seen and found the strength to make his way to the sarcophagus and a way to live. Standing behind the other people in the gate room waiting for Jack and his team-mates to return Daniels emotions had gone through dizzying cycles of hope and despair. Finally the time came for him to walk across the floor, each step feeling like a hundred miles until he had looked up into those welcome brown eyes, the look of relief and love he had seen there had left no room for worries. He felt himself grinning in answer to the wide grin on Jacks face and then he'd been pulled close, strong arms wrapping around him, holding him with undisguised affection, hands through his hair and strange words of affection spoken into his ear. Daniel was lost, totally oblivious to their surroundings and their audience he surrendered himself to the sensation of rightness and belonging he was experiencing.

~~Yeah I think about you~~

Daniel had never been in love with a man before but then he'd never had a man like Jack O'Neill in his life before. There had been a few men at various points in his life he had found attractive but he'd never even considered taking things further. The situation he had found himself in with Jack was completely different, he was already in Daniels life, closer than anyone had ever gotten and that included Share. His trust in Jack was absolute, his certainty that Jack would always be there for him had led him to confess his feelings. In a moment of overwhelming pressure when the reality of living a lie every day became to much he had driven to Jacks house and sought release from his burden. 

When the rush of relief had hit him and caused him to fall Jack had caught him and held him through the tears, never once showing anything but concern for his friend. Jack had promised they would always be friends, that he would be there forever, that he would love him with uncompromising loyalty but that he couldn't love him the way Daniel wanted. Daniel had taken solace from the love and friendship they shared, he had never expected Jack to want him in a romantic way, he had only wanted truth between them. Their friendship had endured and strengthened with the revelation and although in his heart he wanted more he could be happy with things as they were.

~~I could go out cruising  
But I've had enough~~ 

Although he had never been as unaware and na•ve as people seemed to think and was well aware of the interest some of the women around him showed, the truth was he hadn't been interested in trying to find anyone else. The women who had been in his life previously were certainly not encouragement to try again either. His first real relationship had been with Sarah, he wasn't even sure how that had started never mind how it had ended. Sarah had called the shots in the relationship, her ambitiousness unmatched by ability Daniel considered himself to be a convenient stepping-stone in her progress to the top. It was something she had never achieved, her career halted when she was taken as host to the Goa'uld Osiris. 

The women who had appeared in his life since Share had been one nightmare after another. The Goa'uld Hathor had possessed both his mind and his body, clouding his rationale in a drug induced haze. Afterwards when his mind had cleared and he had realised the extent of the violation she had subjected him to and the horror he would have been part of, he was grateful for the lack of clarity in his memories.

~~I could go out drinking  
But I can't stand the stuff~~

On another planet he had reacted instinctively and saved a princess from throwing herself to her death. Shyla had repaid him by getting him addicted to the Goa'uld sarcophagus, again stealing his control, and slowly destroying his humanity piece by piece. Daniel still felt waves of guilt course through him whenever he thought of his friends and Jack almost dying in the hellish mines of Shyla's planet.

When they had finally been able to return to earth, the unimaginable nightmare of withdrawal had threatened to destroy him completely. The pain and madness had only been made bearable by the constant presence and unflinching support of Jack. Even as Daniel had held a gun in his friends face Jack had reached for him with love and understanding and strong arms to hold him. He found the safety he needed in those arms, and all the strength he needed as he struggled to force the myriad shattered pieces of himself back together. 

There had been a brief flirtation with a beautiful woman he had met on a mysteriously devastated planet. Although she had appeared gentle and compassionate, it had turned out that she was in fact Linnea the Destroyer Of Worlds. A greatly altered Linnea but still the same person who had caused such widespread devastation and death. After that he'd decided to give up, there was only one person he was interested in spending his life with and if he couldn't have him he wasn't going to settle for second best either.

~~It just doesn't do what it used to do  
I'd rather think about you~~ 

Then there was the time everyone thought he was schizophrenic, or nuts as Jack had put it in his own uncompromising way. Inexplicable visions and impossible sounds had Daniel himself believing in the diagnosis. The feeling of utter helplessness as he felt himself losing the last tenuous grip on his sanity was terrifying. He was losing his mind, losing his very identity but the one thought that flickered through his fragmented mind more than any other was that he was losing Jack. 

When the symptoms had first started manifesting he'd woke up in the infirmary with Jack hovering close by. The anxiety in his eyes apparent and growing more so as he listened to Daniel explain the strange events that had preceded his collapse. Through all the talk of dead Goa'ulds haunting the SGC and event horizons appearing in cupboards, Jack hadn't laughed once. Instead the worry in his eyes had deepened into real concern. Jack had stayed with him, his mere presence giving Daniel the strength to try and deny what was happening to him. He had been allowed to move to one of the VIP rooms with Jack providing both the supervision and the entertainment. He had ignored the images his confused mind had displayed before him, leaning on his trust in Jack to show him what he could believe in. His resolve had lasted until he was forced to watch a Goa'uld burrow its way inside Jack. This ultimate act of horror had forced its way through his already precarious defences and forced him to react resulting in his complete collapse. 

He remembered waking to find a stark whiteness surrounding him. His thoughts were detached and hazy, gliding silkily out of reach every time he brushed against something he almost recognised. Then the appearance of something heartbreakingly familiar, his team, his friends, Jack. He managed to focus on the man in front of him, for a moment he almost felt anger at Jack for leaving him here then he looked into the familiar brown eyes and what he saw there stole his breath, Jack was afraid. Fear shone clearly in the eyes he knew so well, pure unadulterated fear. To Daniel this single emotion was staggering in its implications, in all the years he had known Jack he had never seen him afraid. The man who had carried the weight of guilt and grief and the fate of the world on a daily basis was afraid, afraid for Daniel. Unable to do or say anything that wasn't construed as a sign of his madness, Daniel held on to the feeling of being loved and wanted that Jacks fear perversely gave him. Even as the drugs were pulling him towards an uneasy oblivion he felt comforted.

When Daniel finally felt the false madness recede and understanding had began to filter through his first coherent words were to ask for Jack. Daniel waited, huddled under the harsh light of his bare white room. Soon he heard the door open, Jack had never let him down before and this time was no exception. Jack had stood in that harsh white room looking at a barefoot and wild-eyed madman and still managed to see Daniel. He had listened to the farfetched theories of a supposedly deranged man and been able to hear the voice of his friend. Jack had believed in him, had trusted him and Daniel had held that feeling close using it as a source of power when things were bad.

~~I think about you  
I can't get any rest~~ 

He had lost count of the number of times Jack had saved his life or his sanity, keeping the promise he had made that he would always be there for Daniel. The final gift he had given Daniel hadn't been to save his life, it had been to end it. Although Daniel had only vague memories of Kelowna and crashing through the glass in a desperate attempt to prevent a tragedy, he could remember the agonising pain and despair of the days spent afterwards at the SGC. When Oma had come to him and offered him another path, he realised it would mean leaving Jack, it was the hardest thing he had ever done. He had gone to Jack and asked his friend to let him go, he could see the pain in the depths of those beloved eyes as Jack fought against his instincts to hold and protect, and knew only too well that one simple word from the man that was his life would have kept him trapped in the remnants of his body. Finally Jacks trust in Daniel had won and he had agreed, Daniel had never felt more for him than he did at that moment. Jack had loved him enough to stop his suffering and let him go and to Daniel that was immeasurable.

~~I think about you  
There isn't anyone else~~ 

It had only been months since he had awoken under the bright sun of a strange planet knowing nothing, not even his name. He had been welcomed and looked after by the people that found him, he had lived the life they showed him but somewhere in the depths of his awareness he knew he belonged somewhere else. When the teams from the SGC had arrived He hadn't recognised them but realised that they seemed to know him. Giving in to their urging he had allowed them to lead him back to the village, back to Jack. 

As he walked down the steps he had looked at the shocked faces of those who had been dearest to him and recognised nothing. As he drew nearer to Jack he felt the intense scrutiny of deep brown eyes, he felt as though they were burning into his very soul, the thought came to him that he would either find himself in the fiery depths of those eyes or lose himself forever. Shaken by the strength of reaction these people had evoked he left them standing as he tried to make sense of the turmoil he felt. In the relative familiarity of his tent they had come to speak to him both Sam and Jack, by then he knew he would go with them, instinctively feeling only trust.

So he had come back to a home he had not recognised but still felt like he belonged, slowly and sometimes painfully remembering his friends and his past. His time spent with the Ascended was an empty space in his mind where only a few scraps remained, but even his scant recall had been enough to save R'yac and Bra'tac from certain death in a slave camp. Going on missions had helped his memory considerably and he was sure he could remember everything from his previous life. He could definitely remember the people he cared about, his team, his friends and Jack. He remembered that Jack had been his closest friend and all the things they had been through together, as well as all times Jack had save him in one way or another.

When he had been kidnapped and held hostage in the jungles of Nicaragua he had faith that Jack would come for him and he hadn't been disappointed. Safely returned to the SGC there had been a meeting with General Hammond where they had been given 4 days downtime, Daniel had been on his way back to his office to pick up some papers to take home when the unexpected memory had overwhelmed him. Barely making it to his office before he collapsed completely he had been afraid to leave in case he ran into Jack. So three days later he was still hiding out in his office and no closer to dealing with the situation he found himself in.

Daniel sighed loudly and rested his head in his hands, staring intently at the pile of books but seeing nothing, by tomorrow Jack would be back at the mountain and he'd have to face him. How the hell had he managed to contain these feelings around him for so long? He remembered telling Jack how he felt and being relieved but he couldn't remember how he had managed to be around him with out acting on the overwhelming desire to touch him. How had he survived day after day resisting the urge to feel silver hair between his fingers or to brush his thumb against a mouth that he wanted so desperately to taste?

~~It all I can do  
I can't help myself~~ 

It occurred to him that maybe he'd never felt this strongly before his ascension but he knew that for a lie even as he considered the possibility. He had wanted Jack with every fibre of his being, the only thing that had restrained him was the knowledge that Jack could never desire him in the same way. He could see all the reasons clearly why he had fallen for Jack but he was incapable of finding even one reason for Jack to feel the same about him. Even if Jack would consider a relationship with a man it was hardly likely to be Daniel, a strong military man like Jack would want someone like himself, someone who could be his equal. Daniel riled at the injustice of his situation, in a perfect world no one should be able to feel this strongly unless it was reciprocated. He was sure Jack loved him; more than anyone in his life had before but he wasn't sure that was enough anymore.

Perhaps having Jack this close while Daniel could feel the unbearable distance between them was even more painful than real distance would be. For a moment Daniel considered leaving before it became a reality, before he had to face Jack. He was sure he was incapable of holding all these feelings inside, there couldn't even possibly be room inside for everything he felt. He was sure as soon as he saw Jack he would lose what little control he had. How would Jack react to that? It was one thing to have been told years before that your friend was in love with you it was quite another to have to watch those feelings spill messily over your life.

~~Yeah I think about you~~

Daniels train of thought was halted by the awareness of someone close by, he knew before he looked up exactly who he would see. Jack had been standing in the doorway and was now walking towards him, it seemed Daniel didn't have till tomorrow after all. 

The end


End file.
